Tales from the Missing Archives of the Normandy SR-2
by nerdymum
Summary: A "behind the scenes" interpretation of what all happened on the Normandy in their daily lives. This is a "prompt"-based series with no definite number of chapters: a collection of one-shots, if you will. If you have an idea send me a note. If I use it I will credit you. Mass Effect and all recognizable names, places, races, ect. is sole property of BioWare.
1. Chapter 1

Tales from the Missing Archives of the Normandy SR-2

Episode One: The Drell and the Doughnut

Disclaimer: This fanfiction has not been written or shared for any monetary profit. All names, recognizable races, and places are sole property of BioWare.

It was a rather strange thing to him; a small, round pastry covered in a sticky, sugary syrup. There wasn't a lot of good nutritional value as it was basically pure carbohydrates. There were others in the large selection that included fruit-jam filled, cream-filled, covered in chocolate syrup, and even a couple with what Kelly called "sprinkles" which were essentially small bits of sugar with bright dyes. He was very skeptical of these "doughnuts" which the humans on the ship seemed to go immediately insane over, but he decided to give one a try, thanks to the Normandy's pilot.

Shepard had surprised the crew with three large boxes the first morning during the short break at the Citadel. He was about to go after his typical breakfast of herbal tea and yogurt with fruit (one of the few things Mess Hall Sergeant Gardner didn't touch with his bare hands) when the scent of sugar and frying oil permeated his olfactory senses. He was nearly trampled upon as Grunt jogged down the hall towards the mess, his long tongue licking his lips with hunger. Even more shocking was the line waiting outside the mess where those in the cue chattered and waited with the patience of young children anticipating gifts.

He passed the long line to intercept the water kettle meeting Joker at the coffee machine. Despite his somewhat sarcastic retorts about his career he was friendly to the assassin and even attempted to joke with him. Joker was actually one of the few on board the Normandy who treated him as a normal individual.

"Mornin', Thane!" he lifted his mug in greeting.

"A pleasant morning to you, Mr. Moreau," Thane bowed politely. He watched Joker lift the glistening pastry to his mouth and bite a healthy portion with a happy smile.

"Holy shit, I haven't had a doughnut in ages! Better than sex, man!"

A humored snort escaped the drell's triangular nose.

"I shall take your word for it," he retorted in good nature.

"Have you ever had one?"

Thane glanced back at the cue to watch Jacob laugh greedily as he chose what he called a "crueller" out of the box.

"Considering I've never had a food that made me orgasm, no," he quipped.

Joker chucked and began to hobble towards the table where the boxes of doughnuts rested, grabbed one much to Gabby's verbal dislike, and carefully wrapped a napkin around it before approaching Thane with it.

"Here you go! It'll change your life!"

Thane unwrapped one corner of the napkin to regard the glazed treat, leery of taking a bite. Out from the corner of his eye he saw Joker wave him on with a nod. The nibble he took was just enough. The shiny glaze was almost too sweet but the fluffy, warm bread under the deep-fried surface mingled nicely and dulled the sweetness into a pleasant taste. It was good! Perhaps not "better than sex" as Joker so elegantly put it, but it was nice.

"See?" Joker beamed as Thane took a second bite, "better than you thought, huh?"

"I believe one shall be enough for me. They are rather sweet."

"Yeah, the sugar rush is awesome! Then there's the crash, but it gives you a nice excuse for a nap."

They continued to chat while Thane finished his doughnut and watched the cue shorten to see Jack at the end, tapping her nails on her forearms with impatience and muttering obscenities under her breath.

"Wow! She actually came up from her hidey hole!" Joker remarked against his mug.

Thane nodded in agreement and shoved the last bite into his mouth. An odd feeling began to creep through his blood, sluggishly at first then, like a light biotic slam, started making his normally steady hands fidget with each other. He felt his heart speed up slightly and the thin, segmented skin and his throat and cheeks flush.

He opened his mouth to ask Joker if there were any unusual ingredients added to the doughnuts such as caffeine (drell were, for the most part, unable to process the drug as it interacted with their physiology in a similar way that narcotics did with humans) but promptly snapped his lips shut as Jack tossed one of the empty boxes off the table.

The mess suddenly went quiet and every eye stared at Jack for a unanimous moment before quickly drawing back down to their own business just in case she saw someone watching her. Thane glanced over at one of the mechanics sporting a fresh black eye. He knew who gave it to him and also noted the mechanic was slowly ducking under the table for shelter.

"Alright, which one of you fucknuggets took the last apple cinnamon fritter?!" the superbiotic asked exasperated. A low wave of denials and shrugs echoed in the room.

Joker leaned over to Thane, gently elbowing the assassin who was carefully calculating how many seconds it would take to run out the door before Jack's powerful blasts reached his backside.

"Remind me to use 'fucknugget' in a sentence before we all become Collector toast," the pilot whispered.

"I shall prompt you when I consider it appropriate," Thane muttered in agreement and took a step back towards the wall, ushering Joker behind him.

"Miranda took it," said Grunt who was probably the only person present in the mess who wasn't completely afraid of the tattooed rogue. If the room was quiet before it now reached a painful silence. The drell watched Jack's darkly painted lips curl into a disgusted snarl and her fists ball up tightly. Faint blue sparks of biotic static jumped off her knuckles before she overturned the nearest table, causing a few operators to shriek in surprise and duck for cover.

"You know, I should probably go ahead and make reservations with Chakwas before the med bay becomes the most popular place on the ship," Joker slowly stepped back closer to the corner.

No sooner did Joker finish his statement did Miranda just happen to saunter into the mess with the remainder of Jack's "claimed" pastry in her hand. Jack slowly turned around and shot the XO a glare that could've petrified any normal person. A low growl exited the drell's nose. Those who were closest to the door bolted out the exit and away from danger. The rest, including Thane and Joker who had taken to the corner near the coffee machine and the utensil cabinets were left to either be witnesses or collateral damage, depending on the outcome.

"I suggest making those arrangements as soon as possible," Thane suggested in a quiet voice.

"Well, well," Jack grinned wickedly. "Look who took the one thing I specifically asked Shepard for."

Miranda looked down at the pastry in her fingertips and, with a smirk, held it out out to Jack.

"Oh, this belonged to you? I didn't see your name on it."

The history of Miranda and Jack was, in the most polite description, the worst kind of rivalry. Only a few knew about Jack's history with Cerberus as a sick experiment with biotics and humans from the time she was an infant. The only reason she remained on the ship was the fact that she formed some kind of unusual loyalty to Shepard. Her dislike for Miranda thickened to a dark, seething hatred the longer the mission became. Everyone knew this; especially Miranda. But the XO to the commander often displayed her elitist attitude in Jack's presence. Then again, Thane considered, Miranda held that personification towards everyone, Shepard included.

Jack took a step closer and, in Thane's limited color range, watched the smaller woman's face change from red to white. He glanced back at Joker who kept muttering "shit, shit, shit," under his breath and quickly summoned the faint burning of biotic power into his fingertips. He would keep the force restrained under his will until he deemed it absolutely necessary to form a shielding barrier around himself and the physically weak pilot.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you, you vindictive, fat-assed bitch?" Jack spat coldly.

Miranda sighed wearily and tossed a lock of her dark brown hair off one shoulder.

"Jack, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't know you asked Shepard for a specific type. There are plenty more left; take one of those," she waved towards the other two boxes and started for the coffee machine, her grey blue eyes meeting the frightened stare of Jeff and the warning glare of the assassin. She stopped short when she saw the faint blue glow of residual energy dancing on the drell's fingertips.

"Thane," she greeted shortly.

Thane's long brow plates dropped lower over his large black eyes and his full lips twitched into a faint pout.

"Ms. Lawson," he quickly declined his head to her, letting the soft growl in the back of his throat become slightly louder.

Miranda turned back around, threw a hand on her cocked hip, and pointed towards the corner where the drell stood protectively before Joker.

"Do you see this, Jack? People are afraid of you! And this is over a damned doughnut! Don't you think your reaction is a bit over the top?"

"Fuck you!" Jack spat. "You don't care about anyone else besides yourself and didn't even bother to ask if Shepard took special orders this morning!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know?!"

The jittery feeling continued to jump in the drell's blood vessels and the need to run around to expel energy was nearly overwhelming. There would be no more doughnuts in his future he mentally reasoned.

"Didn't bother to ask, now did you?" Jack sneered and slowly began to approach Miranda, throwing a chair out of her way.

"Perhaps Commander Shepard should be alerted to the situation," Thane suggested to Joker as his sight rested on one of EDI's ports.

"Not a bad idea," Joker agreed. "Just, uh, just how good of a biotic are you?" The question came as another chair went flying across the room, legs bent from the hard contact against the metal walls.

"Well enough to protect us from small inanimate objects being launched in our direction but not good enough to keep us alive if Jack decides a doughnut is worth war."

A loud warping noise filled the room as the rogue launched a ball of energy towards Miranda only to be blocked by a small bubble around the XO. Jack shrieked in anger and rushed at her enemy; fists balled up tight and pulled back in preparation to punch her right in her perfect nose. Realizing that this may be the closest they could get to escaping a very bad situation, Thane began to lead Joker and any others still in the room out towards the exit, a precautionary biotic bubble dispensed around him to act as a shield from any additional flying chairs. No one seemed to be injured but he suggested a precautionary trip to the med bay to Joker just in case.

"Probably no chance that this cat fight could turn into a sexy little make-out session?" Joker teased as he took one last glance back into the room. A ceramic coffee mug shattered against the wall, throwing small shards in the air. Thane grabbed the pilot by the collar of his shirt and jerked him back out of harm's way.

"I am going to pretend I didn't hear you say that," the drell grumbled and led his friend down the hall towards the medical bay.

"Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?"

O . . . O . . . O

The sugar rush did exactly as Joker said it would. There was an intense surge of energy that wouldn't go away and the only way he could release it was to take an unscheduled trip down to the ship's gym. About an hour later, after pummeling the punching bag and running a few miles on the treadmill, the jittery, fidgety feeling was suddenly replaced by fatigue. Thane trudged back into Life Support and dropped down onto his cot with exhaustion.

"Amonkira's blood," he swore into his pillow, "I will never touch one of those gods forsaken doughnuts again."

He let his eyelids slam shut and was nearly asleep when a quiet knock rapped on his door. He grumbled and lifted his head high enough for his voice not to be muffled by the pillow case.

"Who is it?"

"It's Jeff," came the reply. With a sigh Thane plopped his head back down into his pillow and allowed the pilot to enter his quarters.

"Do you need something?"

Joker's labored shuffles stopped at the corner of the long stainless steel table serving as a makeshift desk.

"What the hell happened to you? You okay?"

"Doughnut," the drell grumbled.

Joker laughed heartily at the statement and took a seat at the table.

"I told you it'd make you want a nap after all the sugar went away," he shrugged and heard the drell huff at him with displeasure. "Anyway, I came to let you know how the Great Fritter War of 2185 ended."

"Any deaths to report?"

"No, not this time. Shepard came in, with Garrus and Jacob, and was able to separate them. Jack was made to go back to her dungeon and Miranda was forced to file a report of delinquency to TIM."

"TIM?" one brow lifted with curiosity on Thane's forehead.

"The Illusive Man. We got tired of constantly using the long title and shortened it. I wouldn't be surprised if the Commander didn't make them sit down and hold hands just for added insult."

Thane chuckled quietly and pulled his blanket up his arms, the need for sleep nagging at him.

"I'm sure that image would be very amusing."

Joker agreed as he rose to his feet.

"I gotta get back to work. Enjoy your nap."

Thane yawned and nodded, thanking his company as he left.

When he awoke he decided to take care of a few errands and purchase some necessities before the ship left the Citadel. As he was heading back towards the Normandy he passed a sweets shop, recognizing the logo from the boxes in the mess hall that morning. He walked inside and greeted the owner with a pleasant word before investigating the myriad of treats locked away behind the glass display case. A smile graced his lips and he requested one thing for purchase. Back in the ship he quickly deposited his items in his quarters then journeyed down to the dark corner in the engineering level Jack had laid claim to.

The woman sat on her cot with a datapad in one hand and a dark frown on her features.

"What the hell are you doing down here?" she asked coldly.

Thane tossed the small treat bag onto the foot of her cot and stepped away, hands folded neatly at the small of his back. Jack cautiously grabbed the bag and peered down into it. Her hardened glare softened into a weak smile as she pulled the apple cinnamon fritter out into the light. She was about to take a bite but quickly jerked her hand down and glanced back up at the drell with question.

"What's the catch, Krios? Is this Miranda's doing?"

"Ms. Lawson has no knowledge of this. I thought you would appreciate it."

Jack relaxed again and took a bite of the pastry, the smile returning to her face. For a mere second he saw the anger and frustration fade away to reveal a lovely young woman. Nodding to himself, he turned on his heels to ascend the narrow stairs.

"Hey!" Jack called after him. He turned back around and waited for her to swallow the bite before speaking. "Thanks. I owe you one."

Thane bowed his head in agreement.

"As long as it is not a doughnut I accept your offering, Jack."


	2. Chapter 2

Tales from the Missing Archives of the Normandy SR-2

Episode Two: My My My Poker Face!

Disclaimer: This fanfiction has not been written or shared for any monetary profit. All names, recognizable races, and places are sole property of BioWare. Beta'd by n7gvlr. No prompt given for this installation.

Note: Prompts are taken at the author's discretion. No romances will be given. Shepard's identity will remain a mystery. Enjoy!

The 52 cards were formed into a short arch forcing each one to file on another creating a slapping sound on the corners before the stack was picked up and settled back into a neat, small brick. The players patiently sat at the round table while the quick, green fingers of the drell flung out two cards to each person then turned over the first three of five "house" cards which would be used as a constant for the players to wage their bets upon. Thane waited for the five players to check their hands and either throw in a small bet or trade in one or both cards. It was decided, unanimously, that due to the drell's eidetic memory he would act as a monitor and not be an active player. It certainly didn't hurt that he could keep a keen eye on Kasumi who was known to not be a completely honest sport.

Zaeed chewed on the end of his unlit cigar and studied his cards for a few seconds before tossing a chip into the pot, followed by Garrus and Jack. He glanced up at the assassin who proved to have the best poker face he'd ever seen. Well, maybe not as good as, say, Garrus or Tali (who politely declined the invitation to check on the ship's engines) , but Thane didn't make a single blink that suggested he had been counting the cards or knew who had what. Kasumi, he noticed, was also good. But she had a tendency to smile when she had a hand that was pleasing to her. Grunt looked like he was unsure, perhaps deciding whether or not to eat the two small pieces of paper in his grasp. Inviting the young krogan to the game was Zaeed's idea.

"He needs to experience the things tha' grown men do!" he explained to Garrus when the idea was proposed. "Drinking an' bullshite an' playin' a good game of cards. He needs to learn the art of bluffing."

Garrus scratched a delicate spot under his mandibles as he listened to the old merc give his reasons why the youth should be a part of the socializing. He had seen Grunt get angry, recalling the short length of time he went from point "calm" to point "I AM KROGAN!" He wasn't truly convinced that the "boy" could keep his cool if the game didn't go his way and gave a faint "meh…" to announce his indecisiveness.

"We'll have the drell sit in. Grunt's a little skittish around 'im. 'Specially after he watched him snap the neck on one of those Blood Clan berserkers back on Tuchanka."

The turian shrugged and decided to give Grunt a chance. Maybe his time spent gaining his "adulthood" gifted him a sense of patience and maturity. They would soon find out. And, if he acted up, there was always Thane to scare him back into shape, as Zaeed had said.

He was watching Grunt out of the corner of his eye and wondering if this would only turn into a disaster. His signature eyepiece had been removed by gruff request of Jack who thought it would give him the ability to see just what the other players were holding. Most of the time Garrus forgot he was wearing the damn thing, even known to sleep with it on, but the alien feel of not having it on made his hand twitch with the need to touch his "naked" left cheek.

"Your bet, Garrus," Thane alerted him. Garrus snapped to attention, his ice blue eyes meeting the unfaltering black stare of the drell, and shuddered slightly before throwing his bet into the already growing pile. Thane's full lips twitched into a weak smile before he turned over another playable "house" card to start the next round of the current hand.

Zaeed glanced around at the rest of his company and shook his head, hand slapping onto the green-felted surface of the card table.

"You lot are the quietest sons of bitches I've ever played cards with," he bellowed loudly, causing Kasumi and Jack to flinch at the sound. Garrus sounded a disgruntled purr in his subharmonics and glared at the uncouth human. As much as he liked Zaeed there were still times when he grated on his nerves.

"Are we supposed to be loud?" Grunt asked in confusion, using one of his cards to pick his teeth. The card was quickly removed from his fingers, wiped on a nearby napkin, and deposited back into the deck, replaced with a fresh card and a warning frown by the drell.

"He means there isn't much good talking going on," Jack mumbled and tossed her bet into the pile. "Which, if anyone gives a shit what I think, I really don't care. I'm just here for the free beer."

"Oh, I'm sure you've got plenty of good stories up your sleeves, girly!" Zaeed winked suggestively at her. Jack simply rolled her thickly kohled eyes and sank lower in her seat all while muttering something about "not wearing any fucking sleeves, you old pervert".

"What are we supposed to talk about?" Grunt's eyes twinkled with enthusiasm despite the grimace on his mouth.

"Humorous anecdotes, sexual conquests, squeamish subjects; that's what I understand. Of course, it's what I read on the poker etiquette document on my omni-tool," Thane answered coolly and turned over the fifth and final card to be played. Jack snorted and tossed her cards down in frustration, Kasumi grinned and bounced slightly, and Grunt continued to stare at his hand with some confusion.

"Yeah," Zaeed nodded and sipped his beer. "Humorous anal dotes, er, whatever the lizard said."

Thane's right brow flew up his forehead before he sighed and pouted his lips in disapproval of the human's nickname for him.

"Can we avoid the sexual conquests subject?" Garrus folded and slid his cards towards Thane to which the drell nodded in agreement with the suggestion.

"Where's the fun in tha'?" Zaeed belched and was given another dangerous glower from the assassin. "Oy, mate, if I weren't scared of the fact that yer might smother me with a pillow in my sleep if someone paid ya, I'd call ya a pansy for looking at me with that disgusted smirk."

Thane grabbed Garrus' returned cards and remained silent.

"And I seriously doubt that you're as goddam innocent as you'd like to portray," the gruff human continued. "Said you had a kid which meant you had sex at least once in your life. Unless you reproduce your young like paramecium."

"I am not at liberty nor wish to discuss my private life with you," the drell said calmly and watched the end of the round continue between Zaeed and Kasumi.

"So, then, do you not enjoy a bit of a romp in the hay? Or is it kelp since yer from that ball of moist hell ya call Kahje?"

"I do not think it is an appropriate subject amongst younger individuals," Thane motioned towards Grunt who acted like the only thing he wanted to pay any ounce of attention towards was the corn chip and salsa tray.

"He's gonna find out sooner or later. Urdnot Wrex says he's a mature adult by their standards; he can get a good, thorough education tonight. Beat that, Kas!" he chortled with victory as he threw in three of his chips. Kasumi sighed and threw her cards away while she watched Zaeed grab his winnings to sort through it. Thane began to shuffle the cards again.

"I'm hungry," Grunt grunted and grabbed the tray of snacks.

"Doesn't Shepard feed you?" Jack snorted. Grunt ignored her sarcasm then scooped a large portion of salsa onto a chip before crunching noisily on it.

"Keiji and I had some fun during jobs," Kasumi grinned wickedly. "We used to test drive beds in the homes of really wealthy targets. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't come home to a few interesting surprises other than their valuables stolen."

There were a couple groans, a hearty laugh out of Zaeed, and another confused regard by the krogan who was still munching loudly.

"How do you test drive a bed? Where did you go?"

Jack burst into sputters and cackles while Garrus rolled his eyes to the ceiling and muttered a prayer to the Spirits.

"To a very special place, Grunt," Kasumi smiled sweetly and grabbed her two cards into her hands.

Zaeed leaned back in his seat and sighed lingeringly. A wistful sparkle glittered in his good eye.

"Oh, I had some good times when I was younger. Walked around with a perpetual hard on, I'll wager. Matter of fact, one of my most treasured moments happened when I got my first paycheck from the Blue Suns," he took out his saliva-dampened cigar and pulled a healthy swig of beer into his mouth. "I was on the Citadel at the time, looking for second-hand bits of armor when the newsfeeds started flashing their fancy ads for Sha'ira's place. Got me interested, of course. So, I took my arse down there. Granted, I didn't have nearly enough for the Consort, herself, plus she was booked for decades, but I did manage to buy meself a bit of time with one of her apprentices. Pretty one, she was. Skin the color of periwinkle flowers and a mouth that would make an elcor scream with excitement! She did things to me that was probably illegal in a couple hundred systems."

Kasumi and Jack laughed while Garrus just shook his head.

"I have a feeling this story is going to have a large dose of 'too much information'," he said sullenly. The assassin took a modest sip of his tea and nodded in agreement.

"This story is gonna be a thousand goddam times more interesting than your blasted calibrations, Vakarian! Unless to you 'calibrations' has a whole new meaning, eh?" the merc elbowed Garrus suggestively. The turian clicked his mandibles into a smirk and threw a few chips into the pot making Zaeed's eyes widened for just a split second.

"And even if it did, you'd be the last person I'd tell."

"I think ya just did," Zaeed coughed on a laugh and smacked Garrus across his shoulder. The others, aside from Grunt whose interest was still locked on the snack tray, replied with their respective chuckles, chortles, or giggles. "See? Even Lizard thought it was funny!" He decided to continue with his story.

"When you go to the Consort's place you get this little ticket on yer omnitool, and, depending if ya have to wait long, you can either go about yer business until it's your time or you can stay at their lavish bar and drink yourself stupid. I decided to stay. So, I'm sitting there, watching some profile vids of the girls which were pretty nice, lemme tell you, when this gorgeous gal comes over and tells me that my companion is ready for me," he grunted with disappointment when his hand lost the round but went on with his tale much to Garrus' feigned dismay and Thane's well-hidden amusement.

"So, there she is, waiting on her bed in this sexy little bit of lace and silk, lookin' all happy to see me. We get undressed, all rarin' to go, and, just when I think I'm gonna give it to her good, she takes control! Lemme tell you lot right now; that asari was a genius in her own right! She had me on all fours howling like a varren in heat! She used this black rubber-"

He was immediately halted when Garrus, who had won the round, stood up from his seat and loudly proclaimed his sudden need for a new drink. Jack gave a sad pout but openly snickered as she noticed his disappointed frown. Thane glanced over at Grunt, already preparing a list of appropriate answers should the young krogan start asking away, but felt a touch of relief when he saw that he didn't show the least bit of interest at all. He did, however, construct a rather impressive pyramid of poker chips.

The game continued well into the night leaving Kasumi and, much to everyone's surprise, Grunt. Jack had taken to teasing Zaeed and even flirting with him to the point she was forced to sit on his lap for a few moments. She gave him a couple good punches to his shoulder but was laughing hard enough that no one thought ill of it.

Kasumi grinned from ear to ear as she revealed her cards, a full house. Grunt, who was licking the salsa bowl clean, glanced at her hand, belched, then, with virtually no expression, showed his two cards; two aces with two kings and a queen on the board. The spectators gasped and cheered for the young krogan while Kasumi stared at the ending results with a dropped jaw. Thane gathered the chips and handed Grunt his winnings. Grunt smiled and stared down at the credit chit with open joy.

"I know exactly what I'm going to buy with this."

Everyone paused and cringed as they waited with the expectation of hearing him say something about a visit to the Consort. Jack skulked out of the room before the answer was revealed.

"I am not giving him that fucking talk!" she declared loudly.

Grunt shrugged and shoved the chit into a pocket "I wasn't gonna share with her anyway," he mumbled.

"What are you going to buy?" Kasumi asked, glancing at the other four who wore curious but hesitant expressions.

Grunt grinned and started for the observatory doors.

"There's an asari on the Citadel I wanna meet."

"I knew it," Garrus groaned. "Thanks, Massani."

"What?" the krogan asked innocently. "She makes that black licorice Shepard gave me. I want more."

Relief was expressed by the others, especially by Zaeed who laughed heartily as he stumbled down the hallway. Garrus smiled and sighed a lingering note.

"We should do this again," he suggested to the merc.

"Yeh, we should," Zaeed nodded in agreement. "G'night, Vakarian. Be careful with those calibrations!"

"That's, er, not funny," the turian mumbled and cleared his throat.

Zaeed laughed again and headed towards the elevator.

"Oh, yes, it is!"


End file.
